Joey gets home late on Wednesday nights…like 10:30pm. He’s a college minister, and life begins at 10:00 for college students. So sometimes I end up watching senseless TV shows when I probably should be sleeping or reading or doing something productive.
This Wednesday night I passed over Bridezillas and watched Wedding Impossible. It was the endearing wedding story of Robert Irvine (the abrasive, militant chef on Food Network) and his female wrestler bride-to-be, Gail. At one point in the show, Robert reveals Gail’s dream wedding reception of celebrity chefs, designer tablecloths and couture floral arrangements. He says, “This, darling, is the wedding you deserve.”
Well, I’d buy a log cabin for my parents-in-law, replete with a state-of-the-art craft room for Becky and a separate, air-conditioned carpenter’s shop for Terry. With a bed and breakfast in back.
For my parents, I’d buy a custom lake home in Bend, Oregon. It would be within walking distance of wooded running trails for my dad and a lap pool for my mom. I’d get my dad a windmill from an old farm in Minnesota and I would be my mom’s personal trainer.
I’d find Chad the perfect girl. I think she exists, she’s just hiding. And I’d find him the funding to start the leadership ministry he’s always dreamed of. But they must live near us so they can babysit Finn.
I’d buy Leah and Tyler a school. Diverse and creative for bright children who need guidance. Tyler would be the administrator and Leah would be the master teacher. And Everett and Finn would have matching monogrammed Pottery Barn sleeping bags and would fall asleep with chocolate chip cookies smeared across their faces telling ghost stories in their tent.
Joey gets his own recording studio called, “Earl’s.” He gets weekly deep-tissue massages from a homely but strong middle-aged woman, yearly backpacking trips with his buds, and extravagant vacations with me in which our parents argue over who takes care of Finn.
For Finn, I would find a cure for Spina Bifida and inject it gently in his perfect chubby leg. And since his legs would work and he would no longer need a shunt or have bladder issues or fear a tethered cord, we’d celebrate with all our extended families on a 7-day cruise of his choice. Then I’d buy him an expensive mountain bike and take him to Colorado to teach him how to ride it.
Jersey gets gourmet rawhides, lifetime-membership at Annie’s Ruff House and a weekly pedicure.
This is what I’d do if I were rich.