I’m a crier in church. If you sit behind me or beside me, you’ll see me wiping tears throughout worship. I’m okay; my heart is just really sensitive during church. I think I asked God once to soften my heart toward Him…I used to be pretty cynical about the institution of church and the hypocritical, flawed people who attend it (like myself). Well, He softened me; leaving me sobbing in the pews.
This morning we sang Oceans, a Hillsong tune that Jane introduced me to. (Kaitlin, you sounded beautiful!) I connect with this song deep in my gut. I’m Peter and Christ is asking me to step out on the waters, “the great unknown where feet may fail.” To get out of the comfort of my boat and trust Him in the impossibilities of life. I love this passage in Scripture:
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” (Matt. 14: 29-31).
Peter, eyes fixed on Jesus, did the impossible. His feet coasted above the waves. He was the protagonist in one of the world’s most bizarre miracles. But when he “saw the wind,” noticed the danger around him and entertained fear, he began to sink.
I was sinking this Saturday. Eyes were NOT on Jesus. I was a brat, really. Joey even said I was mean. I was whiny and having a one-woman pity party that no one in their right mind would want to attend. I was mad that Finn’s disabled. Mad that my recently drilled tooth was hurting. Annoyed with the noise in my home. Feeling insecure. Jealous of kids who can jump and play. It was miserable.
Joey and his saint-of-a-father installed new doors in our home this weekend! Hooray! I was sitting on the carpet Indian-style, slathering ivory paint over the primed door panels late Saturday night, and I just decided to stop being a child.
My complaining turned to thanksgiving, eucharisteo, and I thanked God for all the good things in my life…the OVERFLOW of blessings.
My eyes shifted back up to Jesus, His arms reaching toward me, calling me forward into His miracle. The impossible. Forget the waves, forget the fear. Focus on Him. This morning’s song nailed it home:
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I want to go “deeper”…step out of the delusion of my “safety boat” and experience all Jesus promises to offer. It’s hard for me, and I cry and pout about it, but it’s what life abundant is all about.