The Worship Couch

I take lots of deeeeeep breaths these days.

It’s hard being Paisley’s mom. She’s loud. And some days it’s hard being mom to a child in a wheelchair. Nothing’s easy or all that accessible. Soccer fields still make me cry.

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On Sunday evening, after a few hours of Paisley’s incessant crying and Finn waking up crying as a result of it, I was certain the Lord had made a mistake. I just don’t have what it takes to be their mom. I’m not patient enough or mature enough or laid back enough. Truthfully, I wanted to get in my car and drive away.

Joey listened so tenderly to my sobbing pity party that evening. Sometimes I just have to verbalize things; like “I can’t be their mom anymore,” to realize how ridiculous I sound. And I needed him to remind me of the truth–that I can and will be their mom.

Monday I had a couple cancellations before it was time to pick the kids up from school. For some reason I didn’t spend the hour cleaning or napping like I usually do. The Lord drew me to the living room. One couch was smothered with clean laundry. I programmed Pandora to play the All Sons and Daughters station and I folded 2T pj’s and newborn pink onesies, stacking them neatly. Once every sock had its partner, I plopped onto the opposite couch, lifted my face to the ceiling and sang along to the music:

I surrender all.

I surrender all.

All to Thee my blessed Savior;

I surrender all.

Tears released the insurmountable stress I’ve been harboring in my spirit the past two months–feelings ofย  inadequacy, exasperation and sometimes insanity. I hadn’t “worshiped on the couch” since my sophomore year of college. Back then it was a Discman playing Shane Bernard on a couch infused with the smell of burnt popcorn. But the purpose was the same: to sing anthems of praise to my Lord, begging Him to be near me as I navigate my current struggle.

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I’ll fall on You
Jesus, You’re my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

EVERY HOUR I need Him. If I need him in other aspects of my life, why wouldn’t I need Him in the most difficult one–as a mom? I keep waiting and praying for Paisley to change. To just be content. But I’m the adult here…I’m the one who needs to become content. I can’t wait until the intense hours to cry out the Lord. I need to be spiritually and mentally prepared for them before they even happen. I need to be in the Word.

Jane reminded me today that He is refining me because He loves me. This isn’t the way I’d choose to be refined, but it’s a good thing I’m not in charge. His ways are higher than my ways.

“See, I have refined you, though not as silver;
I have tested you in the furnace of affliction” (Isaiah 48:10).

Refinement through fire is anything but comfortable. But it produces the purest, most precious metals.

The last song I heard was one about motherhood by Bethany Dillon, “You’re the Best Song.”

Good morning
You and the sun are up before I’m ready
But ready or not, you need me
So here I am

I’m learning that in the long hard days
There is beauty…

And though I’m tired now
You’re worth every sleepless night
You’re worth it all, cause I know…

You’re the best song I’ll ever write
And we’re humming and dancing through the years together
You’re the best song I’ll ever write
And I pray you’ll hear Jesus in it when you’re older

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My Beauty

I really love my kids. They’re so worth it. The Lord designed them specifically for Joey and I, and I am exactly the mom Finn and Paisley need. A mom who worships on the couch.

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5 thoughts on “The Worship Couch

  1. Hardest and most refining job ever is becoming a mom. That sentence doesn’t even do it justice even kind of. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I love what you said about not waiting until the intense moments to call out to the Lord. I needed that reminder. Press onward, Mama! You are awesome!

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